“Now I Know Why Ex’s Hate Each Other!” And Other Fun Stories from Divorce Court)
So, I’m going on vacation…a long, much needed, well deserved vacation. After a very difficult year of battling my ex husband, I am packing my bags and heading to the glorious, aquamarine waters of the South Pacific. Yes, I am going to Tahiti! Ahhh…80+ degree weather, sunny everyday, in an overwater bungalow with a fantastic view of the horizon. I’ll be leaving my problems and worries behind for a week of paradise! My itinerary: relaxing on the beach – not to mention getting a tan on the beach, drinking on the beach, napping on the beach, probably sex on the beach, and pretty much anything and everything else that has to do with being on the beach for 8 glorious days and 7 wonderful nights. How did I choose Tahiti you ask?? Well, I have the one and only Rockstar Guy to thank for that one (my wonderfully spontaneous, adventurous love interest).
I was planning on going to Puerto Rico on my vacation, since at the time I did not have a passport. Then, as luck would have it, I found out that my kids were not going away on vacation with their father until the end of August. Rockstar Guy sent me a text one day. “Looking at places on the internet…how about Tahiti?” “OK, let’s hurry up and get our passports!!” I replied. I could not believe I was actually going to go through with it! I was so excited! I have not been on a vacation in 10 years (since my honeymoon in Cancun, which I would like to forget). After extensively searching the web for online travel packages, I contacted Leslie at Travelwizard.com, and she did a wonderful job booking our dream vacation! “Would you like to fly non-stop from JFK?” she asked? “How long is the flight?” I questioned. “about 12 hours” she said. “WHAT?! – are you flipping kidding me? I can’t sit on a plane for 12 hours!! What are my other options?” I think I scared her, but I never imagined it would be that long! She said, “Well, you could fly 5 hours to LAX, have a 3 hour lay over, then take a 7.5 hour plane ride to Papeete, Tahiti” (pronounced pa-pay-et-tay). Both options sound equally dawnting, but I guess I would rather get off the plane approximately half way and have a break. You know, get out and stretch the ol’ legs – but that’s just me. “OK we’ll take the layover at LAX”. There it was done. I booked everything, put the trip on my credit card, and called Rockstar Guy to tell him the exciting news! We both have been ecstatic about this trip; talking and planning, planning and talking.
Then it dawned on me…what if something were to happen to me on my trip? Honestly, I HATE flying! I’ve done it a few times before without incident ,but I have not flown since Sept 11 and I’m starting to freak out about it. I’ve been having nightmares, feelings of anxiety, and major butterflies in my stomach when I think about being in a tin can so high above the ground for so long- with no control! My life will be in the hands of the pilot and copilot, and hopefully it will not be “their time to go”. Because, if it is…we are all going with them! Morbid, I know. Well, I figured I needed to be proactive about things, so I immediately called my doctor and asked if he could prescribe some Xanax for me. He knows how I am and is a very accommodating guy, so I figured he’d be ok with it. No problem – that was taken care of. Next, I figured I should probably make a will. Seeing as I am recently divorced and I now own the house (thank you very much!), I by no means wanted “him” to get it upon my untimely demise – not to mention my life insurance. I called my divorce attorney who recommended someone in his office to take care of things for me. I filled out paperwork, marched my a$$ right down to the law office and proceeded to discuss my death arrangements.
Overall, the experience was a very positive one; I felt liberated and empowered, knowing that if anything was to happen to me, my children would be taken care of financially. Then, something happened that made me realize just why ex’s hate each other. I’m in a meeting going over my will information when my divorce attorney sticks his head in. “Hey there! You’re not in Tahiti yet?? Just wanted to let you know that I saw opposing counsel briefly yesterday and he informed me he was filing more motions against you in your divorce case. Any idea what that is about?” I could hardly lift my jaw up off the floor – I was in shock. “OH, GIVE ME A BREAK!! ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!” I was ready to freak. “Yes, I’m serious” he said. “See if you can find out what that’s all about. We’ll talk later.” “Ok, thanks for the heads-up, I guess” I said.
Believe me when I tell you I fumed the whole way home. This m@ther f@cker of an ex husband has nothing better to do than waste our time and money in divorce court. I was pissed at him as it was, never mind this b.s. He has done everything possible to make our divorce process miserable. Remember I told you about the whole 26 week paycheck fiasco? It states in my Property Settlement Agreement (PSA) That he is to pay me “X” amount of dollars on the first of the month as child support and alimony. Well, he was not doing that, so after discussing it with him (though not calmly) I filed contempt charges and took him to court. To my surprise, the judge sided with him! My lawyer got screamed at “He can pay her the money whenever and however he wants!”. Oh, great – thanks a lot judge. Anyway, so that was just two weeks ago at our court hearing on July 25th. I just can’t help but wonder why, if he had other issues, were they not addressed then? After several emails and phone calls, and my ex refusing to “discuss any legal matters with me” he finally informed me that he was taking me to court because 1.) I had not made his belongings available and 2.) I still had his grandmother’s diamond ring which he wanted back.
Let’s get one thing straight, I have been BEGGING him to get his sh*t out of the house for months! Granted, the one time he asked me if he could move stuff out, I said no (only because I was having a yard sale that day and I didn’t want him to see me selling his junk!). Anyway, the part about me still having the ring is true. What he probably neglected to tell his divorce attorney was that he still has stuff that belongs to me! I have requested that he give them back to me with no avail. I told him he would only get the ring when all of my belongings were returned and all of his stuff was out of my house. This obviously pissed him off immensely! I was left with a decision: be the bigger, better person and give the ring back (assuming he would eventually make good on his word and give me my stuff back as well), or hold out and take my chances in court. Well, seeing as going to court is a major pain in the a$$ (having to find sitters for the kids, find parking, pay for parking, then wait around until your case is heard), I decided I would just give him the damn ring back. To me, it is nothing special anymore. Basically, I just want everything that belongs to him out of my sight.
I must admit, though, I have learned a great deal from this process. Probably my biggest lesson is that divorce brings out the worst in some people! I try to be a good person. I would never think of making false accusations, lying in court, and just being a vengeful, hateful, miserable person in general. However, let me tell you that my ex has turned into the monster of my worst nightmares. He has lied, cheated, stolen, threatened, and lied some more. I can never imagine being on good terms with him again – EVER! For someone I had spent 13 years of my life with , not to mention had 3 children with, I never thought I would have these awful feelings towards him. And the worst part is, every time I try to let things go, to move past the hatred and be on good terms with him for the sake of the kids, he pulls another batch of mind blowing bullsh*t that infuriates me!!
What is the moral of this story? Ladies, please – protect yourselves. Be smart, not naive. Even if you are in the best of situations, realize that you never know what could happen, and prepare for it just in case! And remember, if God forbid it does happen, make sure you get out there, find yourself a fun, spontaneous, wonderful, adventurous, erotic younger man, and GO TO TAHITI!!!!