Dating at 45 Years Old
New to the dating scene, one year to be exact, I feel I have a fresh or new look at the dating game. I see this confusion or tailspin, as I like to call it, going on between men and women. With the bra burning and fighting we did for a level playing ground, we overlooked our basic needs as women. We had made it quite clear that what we wanted was to roam with the same freedoms as men. We became the lion; we would answer to no one, but things have changed.
We all want our needs met and then some. Both sexes have hit a brick wall on the sexual revolution; what more is there? There is confusion from both sexes; where do we go here? This is what I hear from the women and men I talk to: there is only one way to go, backwards to what was once called traditions. You know family, church, community.
The question now is how do we get back to this tradition? Peeling off the layers and years of the wrong information won’t be easy. I have a few suggestions from an article I found on www.catholicmatch.com, “Finding the Right One.”
We must allow our Heavenly Father to do the picking. Emotional beings that we are, we need to do this on a spiritual and intellectual basis. What about the love part? “The heart is willful and driven by its own agenda. It just loves to love! Therefore you need to point it in the right directions.” (catholicmatch.com)
“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” (Proverbs 4:23). When you meet that man, -you know- the one who makes your heart race and your cheeks turn red, remember what the road sign reads, Get Clearance from God First, and if you get that clearance, and that’s a big “if,” check out his attributes, and then let your heart engage.
Now, if you know your heart is safe and God really gives His ok, its time to get started on your list. Yes, there is homework. Anything worth having is worth working for. Can you still hear your parents giving out this advice? I will share a few suggestions from (catholicmatch.com) to start your list with.
First, the most important one, -you know- the one we never ask ourselves, the one that puts us in bed for a week. Is he pursuing you? After years of pursuing them, we want to be the lioness now. I know we told them about this revelation of ours, but as we all know, “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.” As a result, here comes miscommunication and mixed signals from planet to planet. As women we have always known that their basic human need has been to pursue and conquer, and in the past, they were “Good Ole Boys” to oblige us. Now they have their list, and they are on a mission.
Another big one, “Women fall in love and get married, men decide to get married, and then they start looking.” There is a song by Percy Sledge, “When a Man Loves a Woman,” which I feel says a lot about our different visions. It doesn’t say that men fall in love, for it’s not part of their direction. There is one line Percy Sledge sings which I feel says a lot about men. “When a man loves a women he will sleep out in the rain, if she says so,” and he will sleep out in the rain, because he pursued her. If he says he’s not looking, get off the bus, and wait for the next one.
When he makes his intentions known, start taking notes, a lot of notes because “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.” (Jeremiah 17:9). When your heart starts to overrule your common sense, these notes will bring you back to reality. I realize this isn’t the romantic, fuzzy feeling of being on cloud nine; it could however be the beginning of love in the right direction.
Now, if you feel you are going in the right direction, it’s now time to gather the personal information about your guy. “Check out his relationship with his mother. How does he treat her? This is your preview of how he will treat you. There are lots of men who, because of negative relationships with their mothers, really don’t like women, yet say they do. Unresolved issues between mother and son continue between husband and wife.”(catholicmatch.com) this one is important to me because I was married to a man who had no respect for his mother, and we are no longer married. I have known women to get jealous over the mother and son relationship. Just step back and cherish it.
If things went good with his mother, “Check out his buddies. Everyone knows birds of the same feather flock together, yet most women fail to see the connection between a man and his friends.”(catholicmatch.com) Make it a point to hang out with him and his buddies, not just once but many times. When a man has decided to pursue a woman, he gets his courting suit out of storage, which means there is no bad behavior. From what I have experienced, this is not a conscious reaction; it is like some primal instinct, like the feathers of the peacock spread wide open and beautiful. I know you are feeling starry eyed, but keep those notes close by.
“In God’s perfect design, the man is the one who recognizes his mate. Adam had no problem recognizing that Eve was his missing rib. You do not need to strategically place yourself anywhere. You don’t have to help a guy out because he’s shy. Men will do what ever they have to do to get what they truly want.” (catholimatch.com) In other words, relaxes, sit pretty, and wait for him to find you. This takes us to another area of confusion, Internet dating.
If you feel you need to use this method of dating, please do your homework. Author of “Men Are from Cyberspace” Lisa Skriloff writes; “With a ratio of seven men for every women online, the Internet is fast replacing bars, bookstores and malls as the venue of choice for meeting men.” An article from the Las Vegas Tribune, titled “Places To Go, Things To Do For Singles,” written by Sandy Zimmerman, has some very good points on safety, here are a few:
Finding love on the Internet gives you more chances to meet people, but you have to be careful.
Many times a person hides their faults. Lee told of her first date after e-mailing and talking on the telephone. “We sat enjoying our conversation during lunch, then after one hour Joe confided that he was captured by aliens and brought up to their planet.”
Women who join online services get bombarded by messages. The trick is to sort them out, weed them out, and pick the right man for you. People forge their online relationships in four stages. Practice Safe Dating. When you’re ready to meet someone in person, meet in a public place and keep it short. Skriloff also suggests telling a friend or relative where you’re going and whom you’re meeting.
I sense from this new way of dating that we no longer wish to take the risk of meeting face to face or the risk of being rejected. To me Internet dating is about wanting the rewards without going though the natural flow of emotions like sweaty palms, and the nervous stomach.
Something has happened; men now have the playing field, they have their list of wants and needs. We are no longer the “The Modern Women,” they have total control on the Internet and they have taken back their basic human need to pursue. The Internet gives them the options to weed us out. Below is an example from www.catholicmingles.com of what a man wants, and who he is, and what he has to offer.
“I am ready to pursue finding that special woman to share life with. Since writing about oneself is difficult for me, I have consulted with friends and family. I’ve been described as affable, affectionate, handsomely cute, very humorous, intelligent, romantic, sensitive, creative, mature, responsible, adaptable, and organized. I like the finer, more refined and upscale things life has to offer. I enjoy traveling, movies, concerts, theater, and dining out. However, I am just as comfortable spending a quiet evening at home with that special someone. I stay physically fit by running on a regular basis. I am secure in all aspects of life and am just waiting to find the “elusive one” to explore life’s greatest pleasures with. ”
“She would be a professional, career minded woman.
She is classy, sophisticated, and educated.
She has a flair for fashion and sense of style.
She is affectionate, sensual, and sincere.
She can accept a compliment, has a great sense of humor, and above all is appreciative of a gentleman.”
From my own experience (I have been on about six or seven dating sites) the example above is pretty much the norm for what guys want.
We are flooded with so many outside opinions, of who we should be, what we should look like. Do we even know who we are and what we want? Do men really know what they want? They do have a list, or demands as I see it. Now, that they have made their list what they going to do with it? I found this survey, titled “Men on Dating-Timing, Turn offs and Keepers” (www.consum-mate.com). A Keeper is a fine word, back to the survey.
Here are few example of what men want:
“What are turn-ons for you?”
- “Personality is very important. Look for easy-going, easy to be with, low maintenance”. “Confident, fun, strong – yet kind – women” [in other words don’t nag]
- “Make decisions based on what is good for her, not to please me or someone else”
- “Is upfront and communicates feelings/wants/needs clearly and directly” [I thought they wanted low maintenance]
What are turn-offs for you”?
- “Doesn’t take care of herself”
- “Negativity is big turn-off-behavior, relationship, conversation”
- “High-maintenance-nothing is ever enough”
“What are the qualities that make women a “keeper”?
- “very into me” [make her decisions based on what’s good for them]
Now that we have some bits and pieces of their list, the confusion continues. What do men really what? Because we are women, we will take their list and tear it apart and try to find the underlying secrets. Are both sexes actually running around chasing their tails? How can you have just “I” and expect to have “We?” This is the tailspin: what we think we want, and what everyone tells us we want, is against the basic human need of Love. We should be focused on having a loving family, with the support of our communities and having marriages that start with working hard to find the right person. Romantic love is blissful, but lasting love takes work.
Author Unknown. “Finding The Right One.” www.catholicmatch.com Apr.
Proverbs Chapter 4: Verse 23. Good News Bible
Sledge, Percy. “When a Man Loves a Women.” The Best of Percy Sledge.
Atlantic Records, 1969
Grey, John Ph.D. Men are From Mars and Women are From Venus.
Harper Collins, 1992.
Jeremiah Chapter 17: Verse 9. Good News Bible
Skriloff, Lisa and Jodie Gould. Men are From Cyberspace. St. Martin Press,
Zimmerman, Sandy. “Places To Go, Things To Do For Singles.” Las Vegas
Tribune. No date
Author Unknown. “About Me” and “Seeking” www.catholicmingles.com July,
2005.Coleman, Toni. “Men on Dating-Timing, Turn-off and Keepers.” www.consum-mate.com Jun.12, 2005.